How to Survive Norway

Whether you have been to Norway or not, you will either know or have heard about how incredible it is, so there’s not much point in me telling you that. Rather, I feel it is better to sum up my trip through a series of hints and photos which will give you some idea of what we got up to, as well as helping you to make the most out of your own trip.

TIP  1   -  WILDCAMP

You can camp on pretty much any public land in Norway so make the most of it. With lakes and mountains everywhere and loads of roadside rest areas with picnic benches you’ve got everything you need. The photo above was our favourite place to camp in Voss... You can see why

TIP  2  -  TAKE  A  RUGGED  CAR

So many of the roads in Norway are privately owned steep, gravelly toll roads. Good traction and clearance will dramatically reduce your anxiety and will make you less bitter about having to pay to use a road that is ruining your car. Having a rugged car will also stop you from having to do the car-based equivalent of a walk-out with all of your kit.

TIP  3  -  USE  NEWISH  KIT

Your boat and paddle will probably take the most intense and long-lasting battering possible, so make sure it’s in good condition before you leave, and wherever possible, take spares.

Luke proved that a good boof is not always a good plan

TIP  4  -  TAKE  FOOD  AND  BOOZE  FROM  HOME

People tell you that Norway is expensive, but nothing will prepare you for the reality. It costs about £4 to by a normal bag of Haribo. If you’re on a budget, simply avoid shopping.

TIP  5  -  STAY  SAFE

Get a spraydeck that will stay on your boat and a good helmet that stays on your head. If in doubt, simply avoid running things on your head or face.

What's the line?... Just don't run it on your face

TIP  6  -  YOU  WILL  GET  MOIST,  AND  STAY  MOIST

We were very lucky with the weather on our trip, so don’t watch the video and be fooled by the glorious sunshine, it rains in Norway. Even if your weather is kind to you, the excessive splashiness of the whitewater will keep you wet for weeks.

TIP  7  -  YOU  WILL  GET  SCARED

Make sure that you recognise this and accept it from the start. Grade V whitewater should be scary and you may occasionally find yourself suffering from Acute Gnar-crisis, a condition in which all confidence is lost and even Grade I looks terrifying. Fortunately, treatment is effective by either continuing to paddle the gnar or by becoming jealous of other people paddling the gnar. Beware however that symptoms may be exacerbated by the overwhelming presence of Professional Boaters and God Boaters in Norway.

Coming this close to running a burly rock slide on your face will give anyone a touch of Gnar-crisis

TIP  8  -  MAKE  EVERYONE  ELSE  JEALOUS

Kiwi Supermarkets have free Wifi, toilets and water taps so you can make your friends jealous on a daily basis by telling them how much fun you are having. You are also highly likely to bump into other kayaking bums which can be useful for networking purposes.

So if you love the gnar and you haven’t been to Gnarway, you had better get planning. It is, without a doubt, the most beautiful country I have ever visited and is home to some of the most varied, continuous, exhilarating and scary rivers on earth. I will eagerly await my invitation.